Yes, I know, I have been absent for a while.
My bad, I was doing an assortment of despondency, supposed rejuvenation and then back to solitary confinement, my self directed.
Now I did complete the course I was taking, so, did make some progress there.
But, for the most part, I keep sliding in deeper and deeper into an abyss that I have no clue how to get out of.
I know, enough with the drama.
During this time, a good friend passed away suddenly, and that was shocking to put it mildly.
She was always health conscious, but just did not get up one tragic morning.
I know, how does that happen?
We are all confronted with death every day, in the news, obituaries, but there is no question that seeing a friend of over a quarter century pass away suddenly is beyond comprehension.
She had many people who thought so highly of her, special person.
The other separation for me this fall was another good friend of mine traveling overseas, which could be for a very long time. I do not know.
I learned many things from her.
I will just list out a few that come to mind at the moment:
Be frank and direct
Her favorite expression is “Frankly and directly”.
Now, don't ask me why she appears to use a redundant phrase, because if you are being frank, you are usually being direct.
And if you are direct, you are being frank.
But, that is how she says it “frankly and directly”.
That is pretty much the opposite of myself, I am usually neither frank or direct.
This blog is a perfect example.
I struggle with so much anxiety, remorse , depression, that I am loath to publicize myself, so I mask myself with Swim.
For sure the guy doing the butterfly stroke in the picture is much more photogenic than I.
And there are many other examples where I am just not direct, rather I am evasive, shy, embarrassed, all pretty horrific character traits.
But, I loved the feeling of liberation the times that I did coach myself, or she did, to learn how to be frank and direct about whatever it was.
It just felt free.
How much does it suck to not be able to express yourself?
Be always supportive.
She is always supportive.
Almost every day, asking me, a simple question like “Are you okay?”.
It doesn't sound like much but I think it builds bonds when you know someone else cares about you and you care about them.
I know we all live in a culture where independence takes precedence over dependence or maybe even inter-dependence, but for all the great contributions freedom has given the world, I think this is an area where the culture of individuality falls short.
I certainly am not one to talk since I am pretty aloof, though not intentionally, I am just usually too embarrassed to reach out to people.
I do not like to talk about my past since I feel a lot of shame from it, nor the future as it usually looks bleak, to me.
But, this is one thing I learned from her, be supportive, there is no feeling of security like unconditional love and support.
I know, I initially wrote this article to be on the subject of rebooting, I am getting there promise!
Spend Time with a Person to Create Memories.
I have the awful habit of being a loner.
Without getting into the whys or the historical reasons, the fact is that I do not feel so comfortable around people and I keep trying to break that fear.
She told me how her folks always spent time with her every week on some sort of trip and that created memories.
I felt sorry for my kids because I rarely did that.
The few times that I did, I know the trips were not so much fun , a good part of the reason was cause of my own anxieties about travel or being obsessed about work problems.
I practically got everyone killed, because on one road trip, I had been up the entire previous night working on a customer problem and decided that we should leave at midnight to avoid traffic which was a near fatal mistake.
As we were driving and it was nearing dawn, I started to fall asleep at the wheel and drift off into a dream about the stupid customer problem.
I can still remember hearing the shrieks from my ex (no wonder she divorced my ass) and kids.
As I woke up we were cruising at 70 mph right off the highway and straight into a tree.
I have no clue how, but someway, I was lucid enough to drive the car thru a space between two pine trees and back to the road without the van flipping and without us being killed.
Unbelievable, even as I think about it now.
My boundaries were so distorted that I did not sleep enough before taking to the road.
So, in any case, my friend who yes, I feel much love and gratitude for, she told me how going on even simple trips and doing even simple stuff can help to create memories and bonds between people.
And we did that, and they were simple trips, but they did create those memories of experiences.
I didn't do the same for my kids which of course I regret every time I think about it.
Now, before I leave you all on a sour, drab, sulking note, I am not going to do it.
First off, I have to keep up some type of consistency here and try to keep these posts under 1000 words, just because I doubt you have the time to read all of it.
Second, I digress so much, that the current title of this post which is Reboot 2012 no longer has anything to do with the post, so I will have to write that one later and change this title.
Third and last for my loquacious flaws, I committed to reboot, start new, I am sure like many others out there, and of course, for anyone that knows me, I have enough flaws to fill a warehouse, including beating myself up.
So today is about rebooting, starting new, getting a plan together.
So, this is why I am back.
I want to write , I want to have a record of making great improvements over this year, doing the best that I can, and now almost 100 words over the limit, I will shut up, and get outside for my walk and getting a decent dinner.
I will just call this post, advice from Bear, Tofu and Princess's Mom, what a nice group of kids.
And I must come back later to talk about rebooting, the goals, the push up plan, food plan, bad habit plan and whatever other plans I have to take care of like cleaning my apartment!
So thanks for your patience, and I hope you all will encourage me to keep writing and keep improving and I hope you all would comment on great advice given to you by some of your friends so we can all get some good ideas going.