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For years, I have read the experiences of fellow parents on the site https://www.dailystrength.org/groups/parents-of-estranged-adult-children, a site which serves as a great place of strength and support for parents who have been estranged by their children, but one which no parent ever dreamed of being a part of when raising their children.
I have also written on this site, sometimes a lot and sometimes not at all, but have always kept up with the experiences of parents here.
For sure, the last 10 years has been a nightmare for me and I do not feel like soft-soaping it, and I am sure it has been a nightmare for everyone else as well.
For the last six months, I have been working on a self improvement program that I call Hashi Mashi, and it has helped me get more motivated, more enthusiasm and make some real changes which have put me in a much better place than I was before.
I am not claiming that it is changing the dark room I still have in my metaphorical home if you will, I still have this room, of estrangement, empty and dark, and whenever I am inside of it in my mind, I am missing my children terribly, I feel sick, I feel dead, I start to panic and feel endless fear and anxiety, I am in mourning, I have no energy, I have no ambition, I have no desire, frankly I have too many negative thoughts.
And sure, it would be an understatement to say that I feel depressed as well.
However, since I began Hashi Mashi, and since I have been consistent with it, I have made gradual improvements, and as I have made these improvements, I have constructed new rooms so to speak in my ‘home', I have been able to close the door on my room of painful estrangement and start to rebuild my home , add some new additions, start creating the type of home that I do want to live in.
No matter how much I love my kids and want to be connected with them like any parent, I do not want to live in the room of estrangement any more!
It is enough, ten years is enough!
I have gone outside of it and closed the door.
Yes, it is there, that room is there, I cannot change that reality of the room of estrangement, but I am building and living in new rooms, outside of that room, making boundaries, new structures, one room is about physical fitness, getting stronger, real strength, because that makes living easier and actually transforms your physique.
Another room is about nutrition for my poor body that I was stuffing muffins into it thinking that somehow, that will remove the dark room of estrangement from my house.
Well, duh, it did not, it cannot, it will not.
No matter how many Oreos, Pizza, Candy, Reeses, Snickers, Pizza, Pasta, Bread, Ice Cream, Chips, Bagels, Pretzels I had, no matter how sweet they are, how good I thought they tasted and felt, no matter how high I became from the sugar hits, that never removed me from the nightmare room of estrangement I was living in, never, and they just contributed to more pain for my body and mind.
A third room, while it might sound materialistic is what I call my wardrobe room, I can actually fit into clothing that makes me resemble other members of the human race and not a slovenly disheveled sulking brooding hobo.
And there are other rooms that have started to form, all because of simple changes that I have been making consistently and gradually.
I really like living outside of that room!
And I want to stay outside.
So, I thought some of these ideas of Hashi Mashi might be useful for others who have been living in or around the dark room of trauma, staring at that door and never leaving.
I am inviting anyone else in the world, anyone who has their own dark room of trauma or who does not, any person who wants to transform the physique of the body that they are living in, who wants to up their game, physically and emotionally, feel better and have more motivation, everyone is invited, because we all support each other in this worthwhile goal.
Please comment and add suggestions/experiences so we can encourage each other, and of course anyone is welcome to comment on any of the other posts on the site. Thanks for your comments/support and efforts!
Zehhu, That's It!
Kidding, thats not it, PS
I posted the picture of Nick Wallenda crossing Niagra Falls because I found it so inspiring. I only realized it today, but he made that walk on June 16, 2012, only five days before I started Hashi Mashi, who knows , perhaps it had some influence on my thinking.
I was mesmerized that he was able to cross Niagra Falls 200 ft up in the air, over the falls, in twenty five minutes, just going step by step, very gradually, consistently until he got to his destination.
I have to believe that we can do the same!
Cross our own Niagra Falls, going step by step till we reach the goals we set out for ourselves, whatever they may be.