How to Focus on Yourself – Tips for Beating Estrangement & Depression – Wolffer’s Estate
How to focus on yourself, seriously? We know that to “Focus On Yourself”, this might sound selfish, but I think as we go on here, we can all see that what might seem selfish at the outset, is actually a great benefit to those that we care about in the long run. Many years ago, I spent a lot of time writing about why I thought I was experiencing some very isolating situations, separations from very important people in my life. Recently, this last Monday, I had the good fortune to actually have a reunion with them, how good that was, the best, probably one of the best Mondays of my life, certainly the best Jan 7th in my lifetime.
Like many of us, who go through a separation, or divorce, or estrangements, we cannot get in someone else’s head…I wish I had a more clear, accurate answer as to how the separation started in the first place, but I know that I never had clarity as to why..and after coming this far…I am reluctant to reopen that door of trying to figure it out…I locked it…it is closed…cause it is very dark and cold in there, and I have spent a lot of time recently, building new ‘rooms’ to get a life inside of these new structures, and by that I do mean metaphorical rooms, because there was no life inside the other dark barren room of separation. To get out of their head and into your own head, you have to learn how to focus on yourself.
And all of these new rooms are a lot more interesting and fun for me…and in my mind, that is why i think that they (the people that I had been separated from for such a long time) felt either a vibe or sensed that it was safe for them to get to know me now..or maybe they sensed that i was more stable..not broken…of course I cannot know for sure…
I can say this…when we were having lunch…I looked at them…i was just grateful and happy to be together, to be spending time together with them…all of the years that were in that room of separation…they evaporated…as if they never happened…now of course the time went by…a lot of time..but at those moments..I could feel..and I felt as if we had never been apart…I was relaxed, they were relaxed…I was feeling good, they were feeling good….I was smiling, they were smiling..I was calm, they were calm…I felt good about them, they felt good about me..I was having fun, and so were they.
How to Focus on Yourself – You are The Mirror
That is what I meant other times, when I have said that i found the magic bullet, and that the magic bullet; was me. I had to accept the idea that learning how to focus on yourself is not being selfish. In fact, it is the opposite. It is a relief for those that you normally do focus on way too much.
I felt like they were reflecting back to me how I was inside. Perhaps that could answer somewhat the original question as to why did the separation happen in the first place…if i look at it purely from the magic bullet, me perspective…when I was in the ROS (room of separation)…i was not relaxed, not feeling good, depressed, not smiling, not calm, anxious, not confident, broken, distraught, in panic, flipping out, definitely not having any fun…so , if i think about that…and that is how i was inside..it could be that they just could not handle being around that..
sometimes, the most essential, critical parts of life are super simple in a sense….sure, i love technology for example, but that is not essential to life.., breathing is, and everyone knows how to breathe….simple..breathe in, breathe out…no school or master degrees necessary…
Stop Obsessing on “Them”
All I know is that as long as I was focused on them, how they should be, how they should act…they should do this..they should think that, they should blah blah…all the shoulds of what they must or should think, do , or say…I was lost…I was beaten, I was in despair…because we cannot control other people’s mind, action, words, we cannot, even if they are our children…stopping the obsession on others who do not behave as we want, that is the first step of how to focus on yourself.
And I know that the more that I focused on myself, and not on them, and the more that I demanded from myself, and not from them, the more that I demanded how I should be, how I should act, and I put all the shoulds on my shoulders…hmm…I never noticed until now that should and shoulder seem to have the same root…but in any case, all the shoulds on my own shoulders…I started to feel better...and perhaps they picked it up…I cannot know for sure..I have no clue…but that makes sense to me, that they might have breathed a sigh of relief…
and if I really had a sense that something else had happened before these last 200 days of Hashi Mashi…I would point it out…I was making changes…pushing myself more…going to school, trying to get some bread and butter going, doing alot more than I had done previously while marinating my mind in the ROS for so many years…
but I know, for myself, that I did not pick up the steam, the momentum, the waves of force until the last 200 days…yep…that is really what happened, I have experienced it and will stick with it…real food, real strength…that has pushed me, given me more energy, more confidence than I can ever remember having…
and I feel possibly that this whole experience of Hashi Mashi has healed my brain …maybe from the real nutrients in the food..I dont know..
I have tried every psychotropic medication in the book…cocktails were full of prozac, effexor, paxil, , seroquel,neurontin, xanax, klonopin, and many others that I just dont remember their names…for months I was on them, for years actually, and what did I get from them? They gave me the sweats, loss of feeling in my legs, hallucinations, almost a disdain for doing anything, I had no drive, no interest, felt generally catatonic with no energy to do anything…and insomnia…the first time i could not sleep all night was my first night on …
but these meds just did not break the depression for me, they never lifted my spirits. At best, they tranquilized me so that I did not feel whatever was troubling me at the moment…
I just know that i think differently today than before..and it is a welcome change for me..no drugs…just berries, peppers, vegetables,avocados, fruits, nuts, seeds, meat, fish, tempeh…pushups..weights…zehhu..thats it
for example..previous way of thinking:
they should think x x x and say x x x and they should do x and y , yada yada….they should, they must…
new way of thinking
they should do whatever they want to do, i dont want to be in their head, no interest to be there, i dont live in their brain or body…i have no interest in controling their minds…
who should be doing x, y or z??
me
I will demand of myself and not them,
I will put the shoulds on my shoulders and not theirs,
that feels right, free, gave me the max relief from stress and anxiety…depression..and coupled together with eating real food and building real strength the last 202 days..i think that is what brought me to where i am right now..
just grateful for what i have..
hope that makes some sense to someone…or can be useful…I hope…I know how much i suffered for 10 years in the ROS, I can definitely empathize with anyone else who is in there..it is a terrible place…just glad that I am out, for good, and it was not them who took me out, it was me…I left the ROS and locked and bolted the door months ago, before I could ever imagine that we would be reunited.
So, bottom line, learn how to focus on yourself, demand from yourself, put the shoulds on your shoulders, eat real food, get real strong and you will not only make yourself happier, but all the other people in your life that want to know the real you, the free you, the relaxed you, the happy you.
Did you ever experience depression or estrangement from friends or family? What are your suggestions for how to focus on yourself and heal emotional wounds?
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Richard –
I had to read your post twice. When I first read your post I was saddened by what your life “was.” But after reading your post again, you do not want your readers to feel sorry for you, you want your readers to know what “freedom” is …what “freedom” can be when one puts “self” first; I am so HAPPY for you and celebrate with you as to where you are in your life today, gosh its been a long road for you but you have found a lovely path to take as you journey through your life!
I have been told throughout my life by my mother, if I want something I need to get it myself, never expect someone else to get it for me, and mother was so right! My mother use to say also, what one thinks, what one dreams, is what one becomes! I have nothing but admiration for you in writing about for others to read what you have gone through these past 10 years (not many of us could ever be as open as you are), then telling how one can change themselves for the benefit of not just self but for the others in their life’s, and the encouragement to do so! Also…..I am so HAPPY to hear that you are reconnecting with those who you have the utmost love for and who mean the most to you – what a blessing!!!
Lastly, I have not done much research, but I truly believe we are what we eat! How could it be healthy for us to be consuming “lab created” additives and preservatives i.e. ready to eat foods and foods with an exponential “shelf life?” These substances are altering not only our physical appearance but taken a horrible toll on our mental health as well. Then we go to our “medical professionals” to curtail the side effects of consuming “lab created” foods, and our “medical professionals” prescribe “lab created” medication…..really!!!
God has given us an abundance of natural foods throughout the 4 seasons on a yearly bases, why not eat them that way!
Hi Nina!
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts here, we are on the same page with real foods, how is your plan going?
Hello Richard,
Yes we are on the same page when it comes to eating healthy, actually its a lifestyle change, and I love it!
I truly feel great both physically and mentally and I contribute this to diet and diet alone!
My daughter has become very conscience of what she is eating too, especially now that she is pregnant. She is already talking about how she is going to make the baby homemade baby food as the baby food in the jars (Gerber) are full of artificial sugars along with additives and preservatives (yuke!).
Thanks again for asking me to join the challenge, as it has changed my life for the better and it is also shaping my daughter’s as well.
Hi Nina,
That is great to hear, how are things going now? Honestly, I am facing a big challenge of getting to sleep at a more normal hour, these last 7 months I have made some real changes, and all good, but that is one habit that I have not been able to figure out yet…so…I plan on posting a bit about it and hope that I can get something done there…congrats on your daughter by the way…
Hello Richard –
Sorry to hear that you are battling insomnia, wish I knew what to do to help you! The only thing that comes to mind is to drink a glass of warm milk before bed (tryptophan), I am sure you have tried this already, but maybe not?
I have been battling the flu these past few weeks, thought at one point the flu got the best of me, but I prevailed! I do not get the “annual” flu shot which is recommended as I do not believe in getting the vaccine due to the mercury levels. My diet these past days have been hot tea, chicken broth and lots of lemon water! And as for hiking, have not been in almost a month being that I have been sick off and on now for almost a month……..I am ready for the Spring time where the days are longer and warmer!
I hope 2013 thus far has been very good to you and I look forward to reading your future posts!
Take care & many blessings – Nina
Hi Nina,
Have you recovered from the flu yet? Sounds like a long battle! I have been on the wagon but having some other struggles, and been pushing through them, so here I am, have to be gradual and consistent…hope you are feeling better.
Awesome, amazing, I love this thought pattern. I am being positive and focusing on my life, my life with my DH, my life with my dogs, my life with my friends. Hopefully can’t say for sure some doors of opportunity have opened up for me and my DH a possibility of fulfilling a dream of ours. Right now I have allowed myself a moment of dreaming of what could be coming our way through these opportunities. My belief, if you do not dream it will not come true. Thank you for your eloquent message. You made me smile today.
Mary Ann
Hi Mary!
Thanks for your comments! Honestly, I love the thought pattern too, it has been very liberating..who would have known?! What kind of dogs do you have? I have never had one, but I hope to have one soon. Isn’t it alot more fun to be focused on our dreams of the future than regretting the past or trying to control outcomes from other people in the present? Glad you smiled from that post, actually, when I put it up last night, I wondered if it was clear enough, but seems like it was.
Richard I hope all is well with you,I miss your “words of wisdom” and hope to read some more inspiring stories soon!!
Hi Mary,
Yes, I have to get back on track here, I am still going strong on the basic principles, but as I wrote to Nina, I am really struggling with sleep, so I keep getting to sleep way too late and then getting up too late…but I am confident that I can get it under control, so I have time to post more…today is day 217…i think it is about time to get this sleep business figured out! Thanks for your kind words!
I was so down and depressed after the holidays that I thought I was lost forever. But I started reading the bible to find strength and I am coming back. I have been working out on the treadmill and eating healthy. I work in a 9 story building so tomorrow I am bringing my tennis shoes and walking the stairs. Best exercise ever and it’s free 🙂 I have decided to start pushing myself. And I made a promise to myself I am reading at least one passage from the bible every day to feed my soul. We are stronger than we think, yes we do fall and wallow in it then say enough!! Lick our wounds pick ourselves up and say loud and proud Zehhu, Zehhu, Zehhu!!!!!!!!!!
thanks Mary for reminding me of Zehhu…it is true…it is a powerful concept when we really accept that there is no way to change the past and it is best for us to concentrate on changing ourselves, what we can, be consistent, gradual and say Zehhu to everything that is weighing us down and paralyzing us from moving forward. Thanks!
I never answered the question about my dogs 🙂 I have two Pit Bulls the male, Boo Boo is a red nose, and the female is Sara Blu. They are the most amazing dogs I have ever seen. Loving, funny, and big snuggle bugs. They are so pampered my female sleeps in her crate with her head on a pillow. Totally do not fit the profile of mean dogs. The only danger is they will lick you and sit on your lap.And they are big babies and are afraid of the cat 🙂
I have always thought that if i had a dog, I would like a labrador