How to focus on yourself, seriously? We know that to “Focus On Yourself”, this might sound selfish, but I think as we go on here, we can all see that what might seem selfish at the outset, is actually a great benefit to those that we care about in the long run. Many years ago, I spent a lot of time writing about why I thought I was experiencing some very isolating situations, separations from very important people in my life. Recently, this last Monday, I had the good fortune to actually have a reunion with them, how good that was, the best, probably one of the best Mondays of my life, certainly the best Jan 7th in my lifetime.
Like many of us, who go through a separation, or divorce, or estrangements, we cannot get in someone else's head…I wish I had a more clear, accurate answer as to how the separation started in the first place, but I know that I never had clarity as to why..and after coming this far…I am reluctant to reopen that door of trying to figure it out…I locked it…it is closed…cause it is very dark and cold in there, and I have spent a lot of time recently, building new ‘rooms' to get a life inside of these new structures, and by that I do mean metaphorical rooms, because there was no life inside the other dark barren room of separation. To get out of their head and into your own head, you have to learn how to focus on yourself.
And all of these new rooms are a lot more interesting and fun for me…and in my mind, that is why i think that they (the people that I had been separated from for such a long time) felt either a vibe or sensed that it was safe for them to get to know me now..or maybe they sensed that i was more stable..not broken…of course I cannot know for sure…
I can say this…when we were having lunch…I looked at them…i was just grateful and happy to be together, to be spending time together with them…all of the years that were in that room of separation…they evaporated…as if they never happened…now of course the time went by…a lot of time..but at those moments..I could feel..and I felt as if we had never been apart…I was relaxed, they were relaxed…I was feeling good, they were feeling good….I was smiling, they were smiling..I was calm, they were calm…I felt good about them, they felt good about me..I was having fun, and so were they.
How to Focus on Yourself – You are The Mirror
That is what I meant other times, when I have said that i found the magic bullet, and that the magic bullet; was me. I had to accept the idea that learning how to focus on yourself is not being selfish. In fact, it is the opposite. It is a relief for those that you normally do focus on way too much.
I felt like they were reflecting back to me how I was inside. Perhaps that could answer somewhat the original question as to why did the separation happen in the first place…if i look at it purely from the magic bullet, me perspective…when I was in the ROS (room of separation)…i was not relaxed, not feeling good, depressed, not smiling, not calm, anxious, not confident, broken, distraught, in panic, flipping out, definitely not having any fun…so , if i think about that…and that is how i was inside..it could be that they just could not handle being around that..
sometimes, the most essential, critical parts of life are super simple in a sense….sure, i love technology for example, but that is not essential to life.., breathing is, and everyone knows how to breathe….simple..breathe in, breathe out…no school or master degrees necessary…
Stop Obsessing on “Them”
All I know is that as long as I was focused on them, how they should be, how they should act…they should do this..they should think that, they should blah blah…all the shoulds of what they must or should think, do , or say…I was lost…I was beaten, I was in despair…because we cannot control other people's mind, action, words, we cannot, even if they are our children…stopping the obsession on others who do not behave as we want, that is the first step of how to focus on yourself.
And I know that the more that I focused on myself, and not on them, and the more that I demanded from myself, and not from them, the more that I demanded how I should be, how I should act, and I put all the shoulds on my shoulders…hmm…I never noticed until now that should and shoulder seem to have the same root…but in any case, all the shoulds on my own shoulders…I started to feel better...and perhaps they picked it up…I cannot know for sure..I have no clue…but that makes sense to me, that they might have breathed a sigh of relief…
and if I really had a sense that something else had happened before these last 200 days of Hashi Mashi…I would point it out…I was making changes…pushing myself more…going to school, trying to get some bread and butter going, doing alot more than I had done previously while marinating my mind in the ROS for so many years…
but I know, for myself, that I did not pick up the steam, the momentum, the waves of force until the last 200 days…yep…that is really what happened, I have experienced it and will stick with it…real food, real strength…that has pushed me, given me more energy, more confidence than I can ever remember having…
and I feel possibly that this whole experience of Hashi Mashi has healed my brain …maybe from the real nutrients in the food..I dont know..
I have tried every psychotropic medication in the book…cocktails were full of prozac, effexor, paxil, , seroquel,neurontin, xanax, klonopin, and many others that I just dont remember their names…for months I was on them, for years actually, and what did I get from them? They gave me the sweats, loss of feeling in my legs, hallucinations, almost a disdain for doing anything, I had no drive, no interest, felt generally catatonic with no energy to do anything…and insomnia…the first time i could not sleep all night was my first night on …
but these meds just did not break the depression for me, they never lifted my spirits. At best, they tranquilized me so that I did not feel whatever was troubling me at the moment…
I just know that i think differently today than before..and it is a welcome change for me..no drugs…just berries, peppers, vegetables,avocados, fruits, nuts, seeds, meat, fish, tempeh…pushups..weights…zehhu..thats it
for example..previous way of thinking:
they should think x x x and say x x x and they should do x and y , yada yada….they should, they must…
new way of thinking
they should do whatever they want to do, i dont want to be in their head, no interest to be there, i dont live in their brain or body…i have no interest in controling their minds…
who should be doing x, y or z??
me
I will demand of myself and not them,
I will put the shoulds on my shoulders and not theirs,
that feels right, free, gave me the max relief from stress and anxiety…depression..and coupled together with eating real food and building real strength the last 202 days..i think that is what brought me to where i am right now..
just grateful for what i have..
hope that makes some sense to someone…or can be useful…I hope…I know how much i suffered for 10 years in the ROS, I can definitely empathize with anyone else who is in there..it is a terrible place…just glad that I am out, for good, and it was not them who took me out, it was me…I left the ROS and locked and bolted the door months ago, before I could ever imagine that we would be reunited.
So, bottom line, learn how to focus on yourself, demand from yourself, put the shoulds on your shoulders, eat real food, get real strong and you will not only make yourself happier, but all the other people in your life that want to know the real you, the free you, the relaxed you, the happy you.
Did you ever experience depression or estrangement from friends or family? What are your suggestions for how to focus on yourself and heal emotional wounds?
Ben Isaac is the author of 