To Seder Or Not To Seder?

Evening:
Well, I did not answer the question I posed below, but I did head out to the gym.

Today I did 5 sets of 5 reps of squats with 135lbs, as amazing as that is to me, it is true.

I took a picture of what the bar looks like with that weight loaded on it, and hopefully this wednesday, I will get someone to take a picture or video of me doing the squats, maybe we should do video.

I think I have to stay at that weight though for a week or so, because it was a challenge.

Morning:
To Seder Or Not To Seder?

That is my question for today.

Passover is like many other holidays, a time for family, a time to celebrate together.

It has been twelve years now since I had a Passover Seder with my immediate family.

The circumstances that led to such a painful reality are beyond the scope of a post.

But, suffice it to say that I am wondering if I should make an effort , take the time , to attend a community type of Seder.

The plus would be that I will be out of my apartment and in the company of people, will honor a 3400 year old tradition, might hear one or many good thoughts, teachings, lessons about the holiday.

The minus is that I have done the latter in the past, several times, and each time, I left the Passover Seder, sad that I was among strangers and not family, and sometimes, I left the event quite upset.

What does this have to do with getting into shape and staying in shape?

For me, it has alot to do with it.

There is no question that much of my descent into junk food binges were always fueled by a certain feeling of lack, an empty void inside that I was attempting to fill with processed food that would give me a high that I needed to still feel that I exist.

My actions over the last few years, and especially the last ten months, have been to find a way to stay focused on myself and not on the behavior of anyone else, to shoulder my own responsibilities and not say or think what someone else should be doing.

And this approach has been working out much better for me.

If my immediate family is not so interested in a connection with me, then I have to shoulder my own responsibility to create the person, the family that does.

So, number one, I have to want that connection with myself, meaning that I have to act in a manner that is good to me, which means the best type of living, thoughts, ideas , that I can do for myself.

I am a human, temporary entity, and subject to all the emotions that we all struggle with at one time or another.

But I cannot use the low feelings of rejection as an excuse to hurt myself in any way, physically or emotionally.

Low self esteem, rejection, sadness, anxiety, depression, all go hand in hand with self injury, whether it is with some type of addiction, food, alcohol, gambling, drugs, nail biting, obesity and even worse forms of self destruction.

I reached a point ten months ago where I said “Zehhu, it is enough!”, and that was to hurting myself with food, I said it is enough, I cannot solve my hurt feelings with ice cream and cookies.

As time went on, and as I have gotten stronger physically, I started to realize that I can say the same “Zehhu, it is enough!” in relationship to thoughts and moods, meaning, I can say it is enough, I cannot solve my hurt feelings by in a state of being of despondence or self pitying thoughts.

And nevertheless, though I have made alot of progress, holiday times are a definite challenge to me emotionally.

On one hand, I want to observe, honor the holiday which in the past has been a source of bonding with family, on the other hand, I am very reluctant to put myself in a situation that might lead to feeling isolated…so bottom line, at this moment, i am struggling with the sadness of estrangement.

Yep, I am sulking a bit, feel ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, rejected, blah blah blah.

I will go to the gym now and see if a workout can help me snap out of it, perhaps I will be able to do 135lbs, so what, but maybe it will help spice things up, give me some zest, something to get out of this funk.

In the meantime I did 51 consecutive full pushups. The last 10 were definitely not so simple, but got through them.

so , what do you think?

To go to a seder or not?

Probably not a totally fair question, but just putting it out there…I have about 5 hours to make a decision, what is your opinion?

How To Get Fit Fast - Fat Loss and Strength Gain Chart

Date	Body Weight	Body Fat Percentage	Pushups or Pullups	Squats (below Parallel)	Deadlift
Monday December 23, 2013, Day 8	195lbs	22.7%	5 sets of 17 + 8 + 7 = 100 in under 10 minutes	5 sets of 75lbs, warm up with 45lbs, rest between 2 and 5 minutes between sets
Sunday December 22, Day 7	196lb	22.9%	5 sets of 16	none	none
Saturday, December 21, Day 6	197.5lbs	23%	5 sets of 16	none	none
Friday December 20, Day 5	199lb	23.3%	5 sets of 14	70lb	none
Thursday December 19, Day 4	200lb	23.5%	5 sets of 13	65lbs	none
Wednesday December 18, Day 3	202lb	23.8%	5 sets of 12	60lbs	none
Tuesday December 17, Day 2	204.5	23.9%	5 sets of 11	55lbs	none
Monday December 16, 2013 Day 1	205lb	24%	5 sets of 10	45lb bar	none
October 31, 2013 Day 5 of the 30 Day Adventure			Pullups - today shoot for using 85lbs on the stack assist. Did 4 sets with 85lbs, will shoot for 5 sets on sunday or monday..	Rest	Shoot for 5 sets of 120lbs, going up 5 lbs from Wednesday did 4 sets of 120lbs...will shoot for 5 sets again on monday..or next time ...it was tiring...grr
October 30, 2013, Day 4 of Hashi Mashi 2			Today did maximum number of pushups possible. I have not tried that for many months and glad that I have gotten back to it. I did 40 which is not awful in the scheme of things, so that actually motivated me. I also did sets of pushups in between squats, 21 pushups between each set of squats.	5 sets of 5 reps using 70lbs	Rest
October 29, third day of this 30 day Hashi Mashi Adventure, results so far have been promising, 5lbs down and 1% bodyfat down. Keep going			Today did pullups using 90lbs on the stack and will shoot for going down to 85lbs	Rest	5 sets of 115lbs, did one set of 135lbs, so not too far back but have to make progress slowly
October 28, 2013 Wow it has been way too long since I was keeping track, but better late than never!			5 sets of 20 pushups, will take some time till I can build back up to the max pushups that I was doing which was 56 back in April	5 sets of 5 only using 55lbs, it will take time to build up again to 130lbs...it is a good thing I still had this table so I can see how fast I have lost strength over the last 6 months.	Rest
April 3, 2013 Day 286			Shoot for sets today, not max..	warm up with 45lbs2x5, 65lbx1, 95lbsx2, then 115lbs x1 then 120lbs 5setsx5reps - did them..should stay at 120 till it feels easy enough to move up to 125	shoot for 150lbs...good form.....decided to stay at 135lbs...1set of 5 reps...that was enough for today, did not want to push it! max 155 or 160..see how we feel..
April 2, 2013 Day 285			Rest Pushups - Take a Break!	Rest	Rest
April 1, 2013 Day 284			56 full pushups - the last 10 were purty difficult...	warm up with 45lbs2x5, 65lbx1, 95lbsx2, then 115lbs x1 then 120lbs 5setsx5reps - did them..should stay at 120 till it feels easy enough to move up to 125	Rest
March 29, 2013 Day 281			Will shoot for 52/53	Have to see if I can do any! And I did..whew...warm up with 45lbs2x5, 65lbx1, 95lbsx2, then 115lbs 5setsx5reps...did not feel too bad...happy I could do them..kept strict form...now rest for 2 days..	shoot for 150lbs...good form.....decided to stay at 135lbs...1set of 5 reps...that was enough for today, did not want to push it!
March 27, 2013 Day 279			52 - went up 1	135lbs 4 sets of 5, felt pull in right thigh...so stopped at 4 sets, will go down in weight	Rest
March 25, 2013 Mon Day 277			51 - went up 1, the last 5 were pretty difficult, consecutive full pushups	135lbs 5 sets of 5 reps, these were so @#$ hard, went up 5lbs but think I might have to stay here for a week or so till I am moving the weight easier	165lbs is the goal for today, did warmups of 95, 135 and 155 and then 1 set of 5 reps of 165lbs. I think the form can be better, so stay at this weight in the meantime.
March 23, 2013 Sat Day 275			50 - Yeeha! Did many shoulder dislocations for warmup	130lbs is my new High, 5 sets of 5 repetitions, up 5lbs from last workout.	Rest Deadlift
March 22, 2013 Fri Day 274			Rest - Wedding Celebration
March 21, 2013 Thur Day 273			Rest
March 20, 2013 Wed Day 272			Rest	125lbs 5 sets of 5 reps, went up	155lbs 1 set of 5 reps, up 5lbs using mixed grip, left overhand, right underhand
March 19, 2013 Tue Day 271			45 pushups first set max	Rest	Rest
March 18, 2013			Chest so sore, could not even do 1!	120lbs 5 sets of 5 reps, went up	Off Today
March 15, 2013			41 repetitions nose to floor, yea, i have a long nose	115lbs 5 sets of 5 reps, went up 5lbs from the previous workout	150lbs 1set of 5 reps, up 10lbs
March 13, 2013			40rep max	110lbs 5 sets of 5 reps	140lbs 1 x 5
June 21, 2012			1	2 repetitions using 45lb bar	2 reps 45lb bar

Our Focus is on Fat Loss and Strength Gain. Fat Loss is accomplished by eating real foods and avoiding processed foods. Real Strength means doing a workout , doing exercises such as core, compound exercises like pushups, squats, deadlifts, bench press, overhead press and barbell rows using free weights or your bodyweight.

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