To Seder Or Not To Seder?

Evening:
Well, I did not answer the question I posed below, but I did head out to the gym.

Today I did 5 sets of 5 reps of squats with 135lbs, as amazing as that is to me, it is true.

I took a picture of what the bar looks like with that weight loaded on it, and hopefully this wednesday, I will get someone to take a picture or video of me doing the squats, maybe we should do video.

I think I have to stay at that weight though for a week or so, because it was a challenge.

Morning:
To Seder Or Not To Seder?

That is my question for today.

Passover is like many other holidays, a time for family, a time to celebrate together.

It has been twelve years now since I had a Passover Seder with my immediate family.

The circumstances that led to such a painful reality are beyond the scope of a post.

But, suffice it to say that I am wondering if I should make an effort , take the time , to attend a community type of Seder.

The plus would be that I will be out of my apartment and in the company of people, will honor a 3400 year old tradition, might hear one or many good thoughts, teachings, lessons about the holiday.

The minus is that I have done the latter in the past, several times, and each time, I left the Passover Seder, sad that I was among strangers and not family, and sometimes, I left the event quite upset.

What does this have to do with getting into shape and staying in shape?

For me, it has alot to do with it.

There is no question that much of my descent into junk food binges were always fueled by a certain feeling of lack, an empty void inside that I was attempting to fill with processed food that would give me a high that I needed to still feel that I exist.

My actions over the last few years, and especially the last ten months, have been to find a way to stay focused on myself and not on the behavior of anyone else, to shoulder my own responsibilities and not say or think what someone else should be doing.

And this approach has been working out much better for me.

If my immediate family is not so interested in a connection with me, then I have to shoulder my own responsibility to create the person, the family that does.

So, number one, I have to want that connection with myself, meaning that I have to act in a manner that is good to me, which means the best type of living, thoughts, ideas , that I can do for myself.

I am a human, temporary entity, and subject to all the emotions that we all struggle with at one time or another.

But I cannot use the low feelings of rejection as an excuse to hurt myself in any way, physically or emotionally.

Low self esteem, rejection, sadness, anxiety, depression, all go hand in hand with self injury, whether it is with some type of addiction, food, alcohol, gambling, drugs, nail biting, obesity and even worse forms of self destruction.

I reached a point ten months ago where I said “Zehhu, it is enough!”, and that was to hurting myself with food, I said it is enough, I cannot solve my hurt feelings with ice cream and cookies.

As time went on, and as I have gotten stronger physically, I started to realize that I can say the same “Zehhu, it is enough!” in relationship to thoughts and moods, meaning, I can say it is enough, I cannot solve my hurt feelings by in a state of being of despondence or self pitying thoughts.

And nevertheless, though I have made alot of progress, holiday times are a definite challenge to me emotionally.

On one hand, I want to observe, honor the holiday which in the past has been a source of bonding with family, on the other hand, I am very reluctant to put myself in a situation that might lead to feeling isolated…so bottom line, at this moment, i am struggling with the sadness of estrangement.

Yep, I am sulking a bit, feel ashamed, embarrassed, humiliated, rejected, blah blah blah.

I will go to the gym now and see if a workout can help me snap out of it, perhaps I will be able to do 135lbs, so what, but maybe it will help spice things up, give me some zest, something to get out of this funk.

In the meantime I did 51 consecutive full pushups. The last 10 were definitely not so simple, but got through them.

so , what do you think?

To go to a seder or not?

Probably not a totally fair question, but just putting it out there…I have about 5 hours to make a decision, what is your opinion?

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